Do anything, say anything, fuck anything.
No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.
One of these days I will sit down and build you solid, reliable, fitting paper wings, or help you build them or show you how, and then set you off into the world to find a home, a purpose, a breath of wind to suit your taste.
I’ll build you wings that can take your further than you’ve ever been, wings to see the world and beyond it, to soar the skies and shine your beautiful blue light upon all the dazzled onlookers.
They will be special wings, that grow bigger and stronger and give you courage and confidence. Eventually they will stop being paper wings and become part of your body and settle within you, where you used to have them, where they were supposed to be and stay in the first place, where I’ve touched ghosts of them so many times.
And I will smile as you fly away. Because when you’re done growing and so are they, you will find that they are indeed very special wings, because I’ll make them like boomerangs.
In this forest the clamor never ends.
In the calmness, only one drop has fallen.
I raise a heavy glass to you, our indestructible days.
England is covered in snow entirely, exquisitely, magically. And with it so are we. But that’s a good thing, isn’t it? I’ve been looking forward to this for a year. And just for a split second, while we were lying breathless in the fresh snow, everything was complete and whole: a home so far away from home.
But what happens when the snow stops falling? Does everything quietly turn to bitterness and resent? Or when the snow gets dirty? Do we also dirty ourselves with indifference and frustration?
Scientifically speaking, the world is 40% brighter in the winter. In the people around me, the change is too fleeting to matter, the snow on their souls already grey with vanity and envy. Within you, within me, it’s blindingly beautiful.
If I were to wildly choose something for myself from all the gifts of the world, I’d like you and me to live gloriously in a place where the snow is always fresh, always pure, always new. Where the people around us are always 40% brighter, regardless of who they really are or what their true nature is, and where I to you and you to me shine with the power of every single unique snowflake.
Because I celebrate the winter and I celebrate the snow and once upon a time I offered up my body as a canvas in a selfish act of extreme adoration.
I taste her and realize I have been starving.
My devious nature,
Make it go away.
My dearest You,
If we’ve ever crossed paths in our twisted lives.
If we’ve ever shared a meal or a drink or a bed.
If I’ve ever cooked for you or if you’ve ever cooked for me.
If I’ve ever stalked you but never had the courage to talk to you.
If you’ve ever stalked me, for whatever odd reason.
If I’ve ever had a secret crush on you.
If you’re my friend.
If I’ve ever offended you.
If one of us ever wanted to be friends with each other but it just didn’t work out.
If we used to be friends and then somehow we grew distant or fell apart.
If I’ve ever loved you.
If you’ve ever loved me or thought that you did.
If I’ve forgiven you for this or that or whatnot.
If we’ve ever danced together.
If we’ve ever laughed at each other or just simply with each other.
If you’ve never heard of me.
If you’ve ever left me for someone else or maybe I’ve left you.
If I’ve ever written you a letter or a note or drawn on your body.
If I’ve hugged you.
If we’ve ever seen the snow together or looked up at the same night sky.
If I’ve ever sung for you or with you or listened to you sing to me.
If we’ve ever ridden a car together for 6 hours or more.
If I’ve shared with you my deepest, darkest secrets or heard yours.
If I’ve held your hand.
If you’ve ever met my cats.
If you’ve made an effort to raise me and teach me about the world, about the difference between right and wrong, about how to treat people.
If I miss you or if you somehow miss me.
If you’ve ever felt threatened by me or the other way around.
If we’ve ever played together like the children that we once used to be.
If I’ve ever found you pretty.
If I’ve kissed you.
If we grew up together.
If we’re never going to see each other again.
I hope the New Year finds you well. I hope the New Year finds you loved.
And may it bring you peace, may it bring you clarity.